Negative Split

"Negative Split" is a term frequently used by the long distance runners, when they cover the second half of the run faster than the first half. It is a big confidence factor for all the runners, and they all love to do that. My objective here is to talk about the aspects of the other "split" - the one that breaks marriages. Sometimes just like the "negative split" for the runners, it could be beneficial too.

We are all simple human beings. Some of us just see the near future, some are blessed to have the ability of seeing beyond, but the rest - the ones like me - simply live the moment. In our small and happy circle, we do tend to take things for granted.

I see some friends of my son's seeing their parents getting split. Some have reconciled and got back, but most of them simply moved on. Everyday while dropping him at school, I happen to meet one of those parents, talk to them about kids, life and so on. Once in a while - not too often - I get the message "we are moving our own ways now," from them. They don't have to tell me that personal information. I am just another person whom they meet for 5 minutes every day. I guess, being in a society that has become more open we tend to open up to everybody. Hard to deny, hearing them always gives a sense of sadness in me. I imagine telling myself, "gosh! not them."

It is always interesting to get a woman's perspective, and so I often bring it up to see what my wife has to say. Her first reaction would always be, "You don't know what happened. Do not speculate. She is a good acquaintance, and so he is. Enjoy your 5 minutes of talk and just drop it there. Their child is our son's friend. That is all."

Interestingly, I am not that straightforward. I do tend to get disturbed heavily and try to reason out.

Me, being a mature adult who thinks he can understand the dynamics of the human nature, believe in the ideology that no matter what, every human being has the fundamental right to live a happy life. Still, don't know why do I get disturbed, that too for someone who is most of the times a simple acquaintance?

Oftentimes, I see a big sense of conflict in me: I am fine with non-Indians getting split, getting remarried, moving on, etc., But I find hard to have the same parallels drawn on Indians. After all, we all are human beings, aren't we? Aren't we all entitled to the same degree of happiness as other nationalities do? So, why is this mental dichotomy in me? Is it due to my cultural background? Is it due to my archaic notion of what a marriage should be? Is it because, I grew up in a society that put all the blame on women for marital problems?

Ironically, most of us - particularly me - still have the habit of mocking at celebrity marriages and their splits. I always say, "yeh! should have seen it coming." Shame on me, when the NBA player Lamar Odom married the reality TV start Kloe Kardashian last spring, I waged a bet with my office colleagues that the marriage won't last till the "All star" game (half way through the NBA season). Getting married to an active professional American athlete is a call for destruction. Everyone knows that. When they managed past the "All star" break, I bet again for the break by the "end of NBA season".

So, is it fun to see celebrities split and not the others? Guess, the proximity factor of knowing somebody close and personal has a much deeper impact. Nowadays, it is good that I have started feeling sorry for the celebrities too. My reasoning: What if one of my acquaintances is a celebrity?

Having seen my relatives going through hell, just to play fair to the so called " institution of marriage," now I realize that was all a crap. While growing up, I have seen husbands being abusive to the extent that the food had to be served at a particular temperature, the vegetables had to cooked with a certain degree of crispiness etc., Food plates used to get thrown in the face of their wives for not meeting their taste standards! Pathetic to witness those. The only support the wife ever had was a murmur that she simply had to adjust for her man's needs. Bullshit!

Had these women of those days had power, financial independence and acceptance as it exists now, they would have simply walked out of their marriage. Sometimes just out of curiosity, I have asked my mom the same question. Would she have walked out on my dad, had she had the choice? Never got a clear answer though.

I am not feminist. Don't mistake me. I might be the number one male chauvinist you could every see. But, the facts are the facts. No denials on that.

I remember talking to a school teacher from my neighborhood once. She said, "the saddest days are the first days at school after the summer break. It is more disturbing to see two different addresses for the kids. Man, it kills!"

I have always been curious about how a child of my son's age interprets things. Sometimes he is simply fascinated that some of his friends live in two homes: dad's and mom's. In addition, they get two sets of everything: bikes, toys, skateboards etc., Sometimes his friends having two sets of step-siblings to play with in their two different houses. My son is so naive, that he finds it more charming! Couple of times he has asked whether me and my wife could live in separate houses too!

This brings an interesting, but a logical question.

Are there any married couples at all who are immune from getting split? The rational mind in me says no. I know for sure that me and my wife, no matter how much of understanding, love, respect, and tolerance we have for each other over these years, we are vulnerable too. No shame in me saying that. It is just a practical statement.

Seeing our son's friends' parents, the "what if" factor occurs to me too. The first reaction to the very thought was always scary. It's natural to shut out saying, no never, not for me. Should never let that happen is always the reaction. Over the time, interestingly, after seeing many cases, I do have open discussions on this "what if" matter with my wonderful wife. If the "what if" becomes a reality, how should as couples we handle that? Trust me, having discussions like this takes the scary part slowly away and turns in to thinking of much more meaningful practical solutions. Does it mean that I am suggesting this topic to be brought up just for the sake of having a discussion? No, definitely not. But I find there is nothing wrong either.

To me, the "what if" could be defined in many ways: "what if" one of us die suddenly? What kind of emotions would you go through then? If it is better to be mentally prepared to handle the death part, then the other "what if" in my opinion is no different from that.

Talking openly about what we might do if one of us dies, or if we simply split up, has honestly given me a new perspective of how I see my marriage: happiness is the essence of all and, we should strive to maintain it without going insane. If we start viewing the marriage from that perspective, the word of split does not scare us at all.

After all, having open talks about split in marriage need not be negative. Just like the "negative split" for the runners, it could be beneficial to strengthen it more.